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chelonianmobile in wtffanfiction

Oh Mother Nature, who taught this kid English?

Title: "soulless shell", complete with lack of caps.
Fandom: Redwall.
Pairing: Between OCs. "Leif melyamos", the Marty Stu, ends up dating a girl named "maoimi" who is supposed to be seventeen but sounds seven.
Rating: PG-13.

X-posted to marysues.

When the prologue is all of four lines long, with nary a punctuation mark in sight, you know it's going to hurt. When, in the third chapter, you come upon a line like "then he shot a beam from his paw which the rat teleported away from" with no AU tag or any prior warning whatever in the preceding chapters, you know it's still going to be fun.

The story opens with our hero's family. We don't find out their species until chapter three, which annoys me in fics set in universes with more than one sapient species. When we do find out, apparently mother is a mouse and father is a rat. Unlikely, but if there had been some decent development I could have bought and enjoyed it. Needless to say, there wasn't.

Anyway, in the first chapter after the four-line introductory prologue, Leif's parents are killed by ... well, I'd say they're the villains, but since Leif ends up as their leader, I don't know if they're supposed to be good or bad. It's hard to keep track. He's taken in by two rats named "karas" and "thrnos", who put him through a bizarre fight scene which includes the aforementioned WTFTELEPORTATION and then "karas" does some weird magic which causes the eye on his neck mentioned under "Markings" to appear (I don't know whether this is an actual eye or a tattoo of one, it's so poorly described) in order to "really make sure you are the crimson king". One would think they could have saved the slaughtering of his family till after they'd found that out ... Anyway, Leif is installed as the ruler of a village called Vacadoris, described as "the goraiathans capital" - who the "goraiathans" are is never mentioned - and adopted by a "beautiful young fox" named Aveena.

There's a brief aside involving the "rebel group Zaridos" - I'm really not sure who they're rebelling against, though. Fourteen seasons pass, and Leif is still "crimson king". He goes off to a council meeting.

As Leif walked up to the tower something small and annoying attached it self to his waist.

GAHHH dammit maoimi get off.

NUH UH the small female rat replied not till you take me out on a date she replied hugging him tighter.

Take note; "maoimi" is supposed to be seventeen, as we find out later. Watch her behaviour. Does that look like a seventeen-year-old or a seven-year-old?

We meet the councillors: Then there was Councilmen Arnold every one could see he was a fat bastard who liked nothing more then to watch the whores in the clubs he was even once convicted for rape he was a tall and stupid ferret he was probably the one Leif most hated for his history
Then last was the person who Leif respected the most his name was councilmen rajh he had seen the scars of war well he had fought in many battles and had many scratches and scars all over his body this was the only one of the councilors that Leif admired.

There are others, but we never see any of them except Arnold and "rajh" again after the council meeting. Y'know, "Arnold" is a pretty stupid name for an ostensibly-Redwall villain, but I might have to use it if I ever get a fat vicious pet ferret. Speaking of whom, the "council meeting" revolves around a girl imprisoned for false accusation because she's accusing Arnold of attempted rape. Leif believes her and has Arnold arrested instead, and Arnold is taken away to await "exacution". Shortly afterwards he escapes with a ridiculous amount of ease, and that evening he attacks another random girl. But of course this time Leif conveniently happens to be on a "date" with his mentally-underdeveloped stalker, sees Arnold pursue the girl past the window, and follows them. I'll take a longer sample from the fight scene because it's the best part of the whole fic.


Impressive lung capacity he's got there.

As Leif moved into the light Arnold grew incredibly terrified as he saw leifs eyes were pitch black and he had huge black wings coming from his back he had huge horns from his head and an inhuman like aura emanating from him and to boot he had two demon like blades in his paws

I swear to you, I am not making this part up. The "inhuman like aura" makes me giggle because, well, why would a ratmouse have a "human like" aura anyway?

so rapist common show me what you got he rushed at Arnold and sliced him in the back!

Ahh he yelled as he slashed him his blood hit the floor

Common im defiantly a match for you or am I stronger than an innocent young girl bastard.

He slashed him in the stomach then he hit him on the floor now feel the pain that so many innocent young girls like her have felt but with oh so much more intensity

Ye gods, where's he putting those magical knives?!

So, he kills Arnold and takes "maoimi" home. Next chapter he meets up with "rajh" again and discusses the events of last night.

oh and one more thing keep an eye on maiomi she might be in danger sooner or later.

Why do you say that re replied?

She is a seventeen-year-old girl she is bound to be assaulted and raped sooner or later eh.

... just ... no words. My inner feminist is growling.

More weird fight scenes follow, then a dream sequence in which Leif's father tells him to go on a quest to find his magical sword, and Leif ends up travelling back to his old home to "grab his father's blade" *snerk*

Then he looked at the wall and saw the most beautiful and deadly blade Leif had ever seen the handle was black to the base at the base of the handle skull with bat wings coming from the sides o the skull the skull had fangs which bit down on the blade the blade itself was a marvel the blade was wavy on both sides and the tip was sharper then an icicle from hell.
He walked up to the blade and took it down from its holders on the ceiling suddenly a voice entered his mind.


Whee. If this isn't a case of "let's upstage Martin" I don't know what is!

Anyway, it cuts off at the end of that chapter, but I think this fic has the potential to become classic badfic. Awful SPAG, blatant Stu, accidental paedophilic undertones, hysterical one-liners ... it's like a badfic bingo card!

A friend MSTed most of this fic here: http://lycaenion.livejournal.com/tag/sporking
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...I say we send Brian Jacques to this person's house with an army of professional wrestlers, badgers, and professional badgers. It can only help at this point...

Also, 'Arnold'? As a Redwall villain's name??? DO NOT WANT.
I think "Arnold" would be a great name for a pet ferret, but not so much for the Generic Villain.

I'm sorely tempted to bring a printout to Mr Jacques' next book signing and watch his expression, but he's getting on a bit and I don't want to be responsible for Author Existence Malfunction or whatever tvtropes.com calls it. I think I will tell him about "Martian the Warrior" though, he'd like that one.